Apparently, 60% of the time I'm going to board an airplane its due to bad news.

First time, I moved to California. Not that I hate California, but I definitely did not want to leave what I had in New York. In the process of moving to California, I think I lost my identity. I had to start over, and for most people that's a great thing, god knows I need one right now, but at a young age, that's the last thing I needed.

Second time, Grandma's funeral.

Third time & Fourth time, to visit family and go on mini vacation. But those times weren't very thought out, it was good, but definitely could've been better.

Fifth time, Uncle is sick.

Right now, everything with the family is hectic. It's becoming less about taking care about my uncle and more about taking personal stabs at each others flaws. I want to be as helpful as I possibly can and I"m questioning whether or not I really am helping. =/

Not only that but I lost an old friend this week as well. Someone I knew for a very long time and promised to always be their friend but... it's better to just break it off quick and fast. It hurts, but its for the better. That's what I need to tell myself.

As of now, I'm pretty sure I'm turning into the failure that I feared I would be. Aspiring to be an Oceanographer seems to be a very distant path, and I'm no where near to finishing it, which is making me scared. Living with my father for the rest of my life also scares me. I don't hate him, but the need for me to break free of him is what I wanted to do since I was eighteen. But at the same time, I refuse to let him live by himself.

*sighs* i wish i could fix my work ethic. i need something to really hit me. hard.